Today would have been my mom’s 70th birthday. She died five days ago. I’m not sure how the rest of you feel, but I Hhave some mixed emotions. Sounds crazy, huh?
My relationship with my mother has been strained, to say the least, but I discovered something recently. I don’t know if this is normal or not, but in the last week I learned that my childhood/life wasn’t so bad. My mother and I fought horribly and there was a tremendous amount of tension between us for as long as I can remember, but since last Saturday, I have remembered a whole lot of things that I had either forgotten or blocked–misplaced anger?
We used to live in this little itty bitty (and I mean garden shed small) house at the entrance to the trailer park where my grandparents lived. It was a duplex…I kid you not. So, we had these two guys who lived in the other half and one of them worked at some kind of store and every so often he would bring home these boxes of Charms Pops, you remember the ones in the shiny-colored clear cellophane, and they would give them to my mom for me. She never said no.
Well, Christmas rolls around and our house is so small that we have no room for even a small artificial tree, but my mom was a fanatic for Christmas and refused to be held back. So I wake up on Christmas morning and there is this mound of presents for me and sitting on top of the stack is this 6 inch high Christmas tree statue–all my present under it. I was delighted.
I also remember when I turned 10 or so, she gave me the choice of where I wanted to go for my birthday dinner. She listed off some places and ended with “The Golden Arches.” She said it with so much awe that I thought it must be the most wonderful restaurant in the world. We got all dressed up in our very best clothes and we headed out. When we pulled ito the parking lot, I was shocked and then I just giggled and giggled. She was quite proud of herself and it was one of my best birthdays.
I hope that wherever your slippers are sitting right now, Mom, that you are at peace and that you know that I have always loved you, know matter what…I guess even I didn’t know how much
My heart done been broke. I think I am done with the tests for today, but the results of everything have not been good. In fact, they have been bad. It seems that each doctor I see feels the need to give me more bad news.
Doctor #1: Monday’s – procedure went fine, no complications (except the gouge in my throat from the trach tube.) Bad news is, while we got numerous problem spots that are causing the arrhythmia, there are many more we cannot get to.
Doctor #2: We wiped out a lot of PVCs when we did the ablation, but the other spots causing PVCs cannot be ablated. This will continue to cause stress on your heart and we are putting you back on the meds you came here to get off of.
Doctor #3: Well, we really have no idea why your heart is in the horrible shape it is in, but we are going to do 1,234,487 more tests and hope we find something. Oh, and the little chunks of your heart we snipped out showed us nothing.
Doctor #4: Well, I know you have answered all these questions 2,349,345 times, but I need you to tell me now since I was not here. Blah blah blah, oh and by the way, you have two leaky valves…really leaky.
Doctor #5: You know what all the others have said and now you are going to talk to another doctor about a transplant.
Doctor #6: …no sign of him yet…
Good news though, the SWAT team finally left the hospital.
And how was your day?
And the hits just keep on coming. I won’t even go into the whole diet issue. I’ll skip right to the recall. That’s right folks; one of the wires on my ICD device (pacemaker/defibrillator) is on recall. Really? What am I, a Toyota? Then the doctor tells me to think of this as my 50,000 mile checkup. What, are doctors trained to read minds now? LOL
I also have a heart murmur. Did I mention that yesterday? I also have a left bundle branch block that is causing some issues. So Probably on Wednesday I get to go back into surgery, have my ICD taken out and a new one with a two original good wires and a new third wire. Woohoo. How excited am I?
They took me off the meds that were blocking the arrhythmia problems, and now that they are flushing it out, I am feeling those blips coming back. Set off my little alarm last night. Guess I just needed some attention. LOL
All in all this is good news, but I sure as hell don’t want to have to deal with all this. Hubby is being such a good guy. He is staying here in the hospital with me and I feel so bad that he is cooped up and not eager to leave me alone. He is the best husband ever.
Well, I am checked into the Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston. Everyone has been really nice so far. I have received my IV…the tech was pretty good, she got it on the first try. That is a rarity for me, I am a tough stick.
Last night was a rough night, almost no sleep and lots of stressful worry. Hubby is being a real trooper, making every effort to keep me positive. Right now, positive bites! But I know things will be better once this is all done.
I think the worst part of any stay in the hospital is the diets. Being a cardiac/diabetic leaves me with minimal choices of multi-flavored cardboard. Still trying to figure out the logistics of sneaking in food. LOL
Yesterday was a nice day for me. My Aunt Susan, who lives nearby, picked us up at the airport and hung out with us for dinner at the hotel. It was the first time we’d seen each other since before I graduated high school. I really enjoyed the visit and hope we can spend a little more time together before we go home.
Did I mention I am scared? I really don’t like being scared and I don’t like not having control of my own life. I just hope when all is said and one, I get back the weird sense of normal I had before.
Well, the 80 mgs of Lasix are kicking in (I know, too much information) so I must close out. Updates to come later.
Title: Thief of Hearts
Author: Karen L. Syed
Historical, Short Story
Echelon Press, February 2012
TSTL heroine + angsty kidnapper = amateur mess.
The difference between her present dilemma and what always miraculously happens in her dreams made her sad, and a little frightened.
It made me a little nauseous.